Thursday, March 31, 2016

My Biggest Lesson

Father,                                                        
 3-26th and 28th-16

I have waited years for this, I've had chance after chance, trial after trial  that I failed and learned from, and here you've finally given me the next step in life, the 'wedding bells', the lover of lovers.  And atop that this amazing baby growing within me!!!

I had run for soo long on my own, I had held on to EVERY tiny detail and tried to make it turn out the way I wanted.  I let you have 'most' of my life but not all.... And especially my hardest and toughest problem young men... I'd blindly keep those issues or myself and think I could fix them better.  I blindly held onto them in fear that you might do something that would scar or harm me.

But my life didn't begin until I LET go to you everything and every detail, completely- it all, nothing held back.  I HAD to trust you COMPLETELY.  And you wanted to know if I did first before you gave me a new lesson, a new lot in life.  And I had to trust you, to let life work out as you planned. I HAD to let go or else I'd still continue to try and run my life the remainder of it (and this is a battle I still fight).  You had to become my ALL in ALL or else life would just be a constant battle against you... a hard (VERY HARD) opponent.
And if I couldn't learn to TRUST you, who would I EVER trust?  ...No one  (but I couldn't see that).
If I couldn't LOVE you completely, who could I EVER truly love? ...No one.
If I couldn't submit or give you my heart, who would EVER see my heart, the REAL Faith? ...No one.
LEAST of all a human man!  For here you were the CREATOR of my every ounce and I was warring with you over what would be best for me.  You who knew my heart in and out and all its hopes, dreams and desires.  You who crafted my tiny odd feet, my 'too short' fingers, my odd this and odd that... who crafted me to look JUST the way I did and I was going to challenge your design and tell you that this pot didn't want to look so different....  But as I slowly let my walls of fear down and as I offered you this or that part of my life and NO harm or scars occurred, no pain erupted I slowly let my trust in you grow... But why I WAITED I don't know??? WHY I didn't trust you completely from the truth I'd read and known of you I don't know?  But when these 'sacred' areas of my heart were finally surrendered and given over to you I learned you DID care for my heart, my pains, and my comforts and my tiny little silly dreams far much more than I even did myself!
You and I slowly became one... I let you into my hidden closet, where I hid my young men issues, I let you into that closet that I'd held you out of for years... you could freely roam my 'entire' soul but just not that part... until I eventually realized I was making it worse and worse EVERY TIME I tried to fix it, I was failing over and over and it was getting tiresome...  And surely you, who had created it, wouldn't HARM it? So MAYBE I could trust you????  But would you harm it????  What risk.... too much for me to take too quickly!  Yet today my soul moans, for the foolishness of my heart NOT trusting you completely...  So I began, slowly at first and then one day after another miserable failure on my part (and after I'd tried and tested you in MANY 'safe' areas of my soul) I finally gave you the right to go in my closet. You had the permission to clean, fix or repair what needing doing...  I finally restrained myself (still somewhat scared of the outcome) and told myself to leave you to the closet and I WOULDN'T come check on you... that was too painful and hard.  It was better for me to turn away until you were 'done'....  I didn't want to know what you did... Yet I REALLY, REALLY DID!!!!!
That was the hardest thing I've done.  "But it NEEDS doing" I told myself, "I HAVE to trust HIM with everything!" And my only real comfort was "surely if he created me he won't HARM me????"
And as you told me just to cling to you and that truth.....  I did.  And you were so sweet and so kind, you quickly showered me with the biggest blessing in that area of my life, my husband!!!!!    I didn't even realize it but as I was busy 'trusting you' the very man you had me marry came into my life and you told me "Just wait for a fellow like this".....  My reply was something like, "Okay, okay... but we're not discussing that issue... just 'fix' it... I can't handle it!"   And yet I was drawn to this man... My soul seemed to rise every time he entered the room, or moan when he left......

Lord, you worked on my 'closet' and I just prayed and prayed feeling like an utter fool for liking a fellow THAT much that I'd JUST MET...
Then you worked it out and before I knew it I was writing this man emails.  He was writing me ones just as long...  What was this new thing?  I'd emailed fellows before... but not so easily... not so carelessly...   I wasn't 'in charge' and I wasn't 'controlling it'... it WAS VERY SCARY yet VERY fun at the same time, for I wasn't MAKING it happen, or forcing it like before....  This wasn't my plan....... and it was beautiful.... and it only kept getting more and more lovely!  Sweeter and sweeter, as I continued in prayer after prayer.... "IS THIS OKAY GOD??????? JESUS, is this or that allowed???  Do YOU want me to be here writing this man?????"  And you seemed to reply, "It's okay, don't worry about it, just live your life. If you get an email, like you do when you get one from anyone, do what you always do, reply it." And it just continued and then before I knew it the man came walking up to my door again... in the morning hours to surprise me... and that weekend we were engaged........

Lord Jesus!  Trusting you had been the most difficult thing to do at first...  The toughest task.  My whole body and soul warred against doing it!  I could BARELY trust myself.... how was I EVER going to trust anything/anyone else???  But after test after test, I gave you my soul... all of it completely.    And you know that as I went through those little tests I didn't have it in my mind 'I'm testing God's trustworthiness'... nor did I even think 'I'm going to learn to trust God.'   I had just gotten so good at trusting no one completely, it was all I knew. And I did it even with you my God!  But your Holy Spirit was busy, busy at work, dissembling my stone walls around my closet... my heart.  You knew what was in there and you knew exactly how it worked, but you needed me to trust you.   And sure enough this man, whom I was engaged to, was the VERY living man I'd ALWAYS dreamed of, the very face, the very form, the very personality.... And even tiny details that I had thought too silly, yet had dreamed concerning my man, were manifest completely in this man....  His hairstyle, his passions, his hobbies, his heart's desires.... They were not just a perfect match to what I'd dreamed, but FAR MORE and Beyond!  He was what I'd 'hoped for' in fleeting moments then told myself "You're a weirdo thinking you could get that in a 21st century man!"... But Jesus, you recorded my every thought, my every desire, my every preference and silly dream and made Elijah!!!!!  And this atop your DYING FOR ME???  Atop your coming to bleed to death and face hell and your father's wrath for me!!!!!!!!!!!  Oh Jesus you are the LOVER of LOVERS.... the All in all we can't live without!  The giver we can't THANK enough!!!

And in this season, we recall especially your resurrection.... Oh EVERYDAY should BE "EASTER", we SHOULD NEVER forget this.... for all life, all love, all creation, would be worthless without your RISING!  Without your love!!!!!

And all I can say is Thank you, thank you for breathing breath into mankind, for breathing your spirit into believers, for leaving us your spirit as the best friend we need to speak to and confer with!  Thank you for the time and years you put into working with and for your children.... You never gave up on me through the MANY, MANY times I'd say "okay I'll give you the men in my life" yet then I'd take them RIGHT BACK and TRY doing it on my own again!!!!!!!  OVER and OVER.....  Thank you for your depthless patience!  For your forbearance....  When I deserve hell for eternity, you just waited on ME to give up, and start to trust you!!!!!  Your grace and MERCY are matchless and your love is divinely DEPTHLESS!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!

Your child,
Faith Elizabeth Meggs

3 comments:

  1. This pretty much has me in tears, Faith! God is so very good and all we really need to do is Trust Him! You have inspired me to really give my longing for marriage over completely to God and just let go... And see what He does!

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  2. This pretty much has me in tears, Faith! God is so very good and all we really need to do is Trust Him! You have inspired me to really give my longing for marriage over completely to God and just let go... And see what He does!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh bless you Sam!!!! I thank you so much for your continued support and encouragement to me! God bless you!!! <3
      -Faith Meggs

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